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11:14pm 15/12/2003
mood: excited

hey ppls. Since invite codes are no longer needed for a new journal, I decided to create a new one in honor of this great event.

The new Journal can be found here::





02:21pm 13/12/2003
mood: contemplative

Life rocks. I'm not sure when I found this out, or how, but sitting here looking at my computer screen, I know without a single doubt in my mind that life rocks my socks.

Of course, I probably won't always think this way. So while I'm in one of my rare moments of reverie about why life rocks so much, I'll share with you, partly to help remind myself, why.

I was running around the house the other day, trying to get everything together for school, when I stopped to glance at my living room. There in the corner was our christmas tree. In my stressed out spasms I hadn't even noticed that somebody had put it up. Pushing aside the thoughts of my lost tennishoes, I stopped to admire our little tree.

When I was little I remember the tree was always such a big deal. Back when we had a real tree (So much better than the fake one we are in possession of now) I'd always anticipate traveling out to the tree farm the day after thanksgiving to search for that perfect tree. We would be there sometimes hours, in the freezing cold looking for that tree. Thinking back, I probably hated it, standing out there, waiting for my dad to pick out a tree that didn't look too old, too scrawny, too fat, too tall, too short ect... Once we found it however, that was a totally different story. We would cut it down, and put it in the bed of our truck. We would all pile in and travel back home, a good hour drive, listening to the the Bing Crosby Christmas classics tape. Memories like that seldom leave.

Contemplating those memories as I gazed on our beautiful new (but fake) tree I thought about how much things had changed. It's not even two weeks from christmas, and we're just now putting it up. Looking around the house, there's no decorations, and I haven't tasted homeade christmas cookies in over a year. The season just goes by so quick now. I haven't even begun to shop yet, and my favorite tradition, the making of my x-mas list, isn't even finished yet.

Still forgetting about my lost shoes, and neglecting to notice that I'm already running late, I almost felt like crying. This is how christmas is going to be this year? An empty holiday void of any traditions that I grew up with? I felt wasted. It was well into the christmas season, and I felt like it was all passing me by without a hitch. The worst part of it was, I felt like a good deal of it was my fault. Thinking about my schedule for the past week, I realized I'd only seen my dad two out of five days. The only interaction I had with my brother was the 15 mintue trip to Thorton's in the morning, and the 30 minute ride home from school. And my mom? The only significant interaction that stuck in my mind from the past week was a fight we had where I said she was useless.

I was just about to give trying to find anything redeemable about the past year, when something shocked me out of my cesspool of self pity. My cat, exploring the newly cleaned area around the tree, stepped on the light control pad, turning on all the lights. Suddenly the dull prostetic pine in front of me lit up like... well, like a christmas tree. It was awesome, and I realized I'd almost forgotten what a tree looked like lit up like that. Standing there looking at it for a few more moments, I had an epiphany.

Al those traditions, all those good times, are still around me. The tree, while I miss going out and finding a real one, doesn't matter. It's not the tree. It's just the representation of my family. We may not all see each other as much as we'd like, still is just that, a family. I love my parents, my siblings, and while I may not be around that much, I know that it's actually helping us grow closer when we do, do things together.

I finally found my shoes, and I made it to school ontime. The day was awesome, and I realized that I couldn't think of one thing that wasn't redeemable about my year. I had a great family, and amazing friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world.

Merry Christmas!

::Whoosh:: where'd life go?   
06:52pm 20/11/2003
  Whoa man... It's been a while since I updated this thing. But then again it's been a while since I've had the energy to do much of anything...

I started basketball a couple of weeks ago. People, this has got to be one of the hardest things I've ever done... It's straining me both physically and mentally. I'm not the most athletic person you see, and I've never really played a REAL sport before. And anyone who knows me can say without a doubt that I'm absolutely HORRIBLE at basketball. I don't like to hear it, but trust me I'll be hearing it a lot in the next few months.

It's something new though. It's a challenge, and I can say that without hesitation. I've never worked so hard in my life. I have never, in my whole entire life fought against my body so hard. I want this bad though, and when i want something, I tend to work hard to get it.

It's been a few weeks since practice started, and it's actually gotten fun. I'm still not the best, but I know that I've gotten better. My teammates aren't that bad... In fact they're down right encouraging which is something I never really expected... The coaches are better than anything I ever expected. So yeah... needless, I'm enjoying myself.

Our first game was tuesday... and we lost. But it's fun to be on the JV team. The underdogs. The guys no one shows up to watch, and everyone expects to lose. We work harder though, than anyone. And I have a feeling that we're going to do well this year... Witha lot of prayer!!

I've got so much stuff going on right now... I'm not sure were my life is turning. It feels like everywhere I look my life is changing, growing in some way... It's scary and nice in the same way.

There's a lot of things I wish for... but I know there's still plenty of time to dwell on certain things... or certain people later. God's called me to do work. Any work. As long as it's for him. I can't let ANYTHING (or anyone) to distract me from that.

Peace and love,
     Read 1 - Post
10:04pm 26/10/2003
mood: amused
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I can't always be who I wish I was. I'm sorry you don't like who I am. But There's nothing that's gonna change that until you can show me from God's word where it's wrong.

I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to anyone who cares.

I could list off to you everything that's bothering me right now. I could list off all the angst that tries to get me down. I could whine, cry, scream at everything that is making me hurt, angry and sad inside me right now. But doesn't it ever get old? Aren't you tired of it yet?

I am.

I want to be different. And I'll be the first to admit that I don't always suceed. But let me tell you this: We're teenagers. We have problems just like the rest. And no one ever expects us to be different from the rest. But let me challenge you in this. Be the inluence. Be different. Stop complaining, and start doing something. Start praying. Start talking. Start BEING different. Do anything but sit there and fight against what God wants you to be.

Or turn off your computer and ignore everything I said because you don't like it.


Of course. Because life isn't easy. Life is the scariest thing that we'll ever have to experience. It isn't sugar coated, and rarely is it easy. As long as there's sin plaguing us, as long as Satan has some semblence of control on this world, LIFE ladies and gents, will always be hard.

But as long as my God is here, there will always be a way out. There will always be someone who can lend us a hand, and make everything alright. There will ALWAYS be a reason to be happy. And he's the reason while dispite all the problems, all the pain, there will never be a reason NOT to be happy.

So therefore, I stop there. I won't complain, but I'm going to stand here tonight and say to all of you reading this, that I ROCK AT LIFE. Or rather, God rocks through me at life. Because life truly does rock. And as long as I'm a believer, I'll always rejoice.

Call me cynical, tell me I have a bad attitude.

I call it being an indavidual. Thinking for myself. Thinking outside the box. I call it taking a stand. I call it being the happiest person on earth, no matter what may befall me.

So ignore me. Spread rumors about me. Talk to everyone else but me, call me a hypocrite. Do your worst. Because that is my life statement, and I'm not budging.

Peace in Jesus.

     Read 2 - Post
I'm not perfect   
10:53pm 24/10/2003
mood: drained
by Superchick

Cause Highschool could be a mini me of the rest of society
There always prom queen, always be always be sororities
And sadly some will be enternaly keepin score of popularity
Just cause they all do dosnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool
Doesnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool

Highschool is like a big competition beauty contest prom court is the mission
There can only be one queen one king everyone voting everyone competing
But these are the rules of ways highschool
If some puts you down thats so highschool
Someone talks behind your back thats so highschool
And if you have to get them back thats also highschool
I know I'll be graduating early

Cause Highschool could be a mini me of the rest of society
There always prom queen, always be always be sororities
And sadly some will be enternaly keepin score of popularity
Just cause they all do dosnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool
Doesnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool

Highschool is like this state of the nation
Some poeple never change after graduatuation
Believing an light shine makes theirs lesser
they got to prove to everyone that theirs is better
These are the rules of ways of highschool
If someone puts you down thats so highschool
Believing their to good for you thats so highschool
And you believe it too thats also highschool
I know I'll be graduating early

Cause Highschool could be a mini me of the rest of society
There always prom queen, always be always be sororities
And sadly some will be enternaly keepin score of popularity
Just cause they all do dosnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool
Doesnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool
Doesnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool.

We all got bad year book photos
Which we forgot to let go
And like just acne our unsecerities should be something we left with J.V
So heres to letting go of old year book photos
Things we kept that wont stop
So that was yesterday theres always tomorrow
We are tomorrow we are tomorrow
So i know I'll be graduating early.

Cause Highschool could be a mini me of the rest of society
There always prom queen, always be always be celbrities
And sadly some will be enternaly keepin score of popularity
Just cause they all do dosnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool
Doesnt mean we have to act like we're in highschool
Doesnt mean we have to act like were in highschool

Stupid Highschool

"I'm sure the view from Heaven beats the hell out of mine here, and if we all believe in heaven, maybe we'll make it through one more year"

I am Ifrit
You are Ifrit! You're a mainstay in everyone's
party, even if you do have a breath problem.
Ever steadfast, you reduce all but the toughest
(or flame-retardant) foes to a pile of ash in

What Final Fantasy summon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Some things... *sighs* never mind   
10:41pm 24/10/2003
mood: disappointed
They just aren't worth spazzing about ladies. Sorry.

Girls. Why are they so dumb?? They spaz out way to easily. At least the bulk of them do. In all truth, there's prolly two girls I know on the planet that aren't totally insacure in a passive aggressive "I-know-I'm-fine-but-make-me-feel-better" way,

They're emotionally crazy. Don't they ever stay in one place? Unstable is a better word. I can be moody, I'll be the first to admit that. But girls... At least I can stay in the same mood for more than five minutes without another *major* catastrophe ruining my day.

My mom, in one of her rare moments of note worthy pieces of advice, councils me to think about whether or not I'm going to remember something in a decade, and if it will matter then. Truth be told, have the things we worry over we won't be able to remember in 10 days, much less 10 years.

I can't find a girl. Such a tradegedy, I know. But you don't hear me whining about it 24/7. You don't see it effecting my life to where I can bearly stand to be around you anymore. There's so many events ladies and gentlmen, so many things that will happen in the span of our lives that will change us, and mold us into who we are becoming.

But I'm sorry, a "fan-van" getting cancelled is not one of them.

I understand being disapointed. I was too. But getting so upset over something like that is something I'll never understand about women.

SO the mysteries will always avoid me, so I guess I'll just stop searching.

Why are girls blind too? I won't even go into that one...

     Read 4 - Post
Thinking outside the box (Because they won't let me back in)   
09:30pm 22/10/2003
mood: cynical
The confessions of a teenage rebel.

Fight the man. Don't your homework, rebel by doing everything you can to stress out every authority figure in existence!! That's what being a teenage rebel is about.

Or maybe I just described to you the characteristics of a teenage clone? Hmm... I think that's exactly what I just did.

Wake up folks. While civil disobedience has it's place, it's hardly being what a true rebel is. You can sit there and be apathetic all you want. You can care less what about others, and reponsiblities that the "man" imposes on you. You can fight your parents, fight the government, fight your teachers, you can fight until you've used up all your little teenage idealism. But the fact is you're just another brian dead clone posing as a "rebel."

You wanna know what a real rebel is? Everyone and there mom is apathetic these days. You can shirk your responsiblities all you want. You say that no one controls you, because your a teenager, and you're just a free spirit, and there's no point to life, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. It's all been said before. It's just an excuse to be the lazy bum that everyone knows you are.

You don't wanna listen to the adult authority in your life? You think that by not doing your homework, because "You don't care" Is something that's impressive? You think that, that makes anyone respect you because now you're some kind of "rebel." wake up and smell the napalm. By doing that you're nothing more than a lazy, selfish, teenager. Just like the rest.

You want to know what a real rebel is? Someone that cares. Someone who fights against the rising tide of complacency. Someone who becomes an example, a hero. And social rebellion is not the way to do it.

Start fighting. Not the "man" but yourself. Start doing things that make you uncomfortable. Start becoming the man that you're supposed to be. Stop caring about yourself, and start becoming aware to the needs of those around you. That's what a real rebel is. That's what this world needs. Not another Malcom X. "Be the influence" Change the world. Get up off your butts and do something other than feeling sorry for yourself because people have expectations of you, but rejoice because they think you capable. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because of all the things you can't do, and start utilizing that talents that you do have.

Adults will only let us down in the end. We're the new generation, and we're at a cross roads. We can become like them, complacent and apathetic to everyone but themselves, or we can become something that nobody expected. Heroes. People that can change this world for the better. Not by sitting around waiting for something to happen, but by getting up and tackling the world's problems head on whenever we can.

Choose now, and choose wisely.

Too all the self proclaimed "rebels" out there, good luck, God bless.
     Read 3 - Post
Mourning for the dead goat that is my life...   
09:21pm 20/10/2003
mood: intimidated
Ok so maybe that's overstating things a bit. It's more like a dead chicken.

I am currently trying my hardest to sort out the mess that is called my room. I can't believe that considering what a neat freak I am (well, again, with the overstating) that I let it go for so long... It's amazing what you can find in a messy room like that.

I might be getting a new Job soon... Excitable!! I dunno though. I hope so, but I'm still not sure if this is even the job that I want/need. All I know is I can't work at the library anymore. I love it over there... But I just can't work there. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't play basketball and still work there, so I'd have to choose between the two. Five weeks ago I would have chosen the job, but right now I just need something to keep me busy, and I figure basketball should do the trick.

I am way to insacure about things... I need to lighten up a bit. I worry to much...

Oops. Got swept up in my internal narrative there for a sec. I'm back.

Just pray for me as I head back into unknown territory. Who knows what horrors I might find. But I gotta get it done, or my weekend plans will consist of spending quality time with my madre sorting out clothes that are too small for me.


You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.

"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hrm. I suppose other than the freaky, "representing death" deal, that's pretty cool. Though, I don't know what's cool about representing death....

That is some good shit thurr son!
You are the stoner rock!

::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

One word for you. It's better than being the suicidal rock. Hm. Maybe I should have gotten the intelectually challenged rock. That was WAY more than one word.
I'm falling out   
09:49pm 18/10/2003
mood: hopeful
Susan, I'm glad that you can afford to be so naive about me... But it doesn't ammount to much hun.

No matter how much you'd like to believe that girls would die for a boyfriend as fruity, strange, and un-macho as myself, it's not true.

Girls are, and will always be attracted to the alpha male, jock, a-type guy that girls will go for.

But I'm not stressin.

God has a fishy for me... And obviously that girl will be a blind, deaf mentally retarded girl. (LOL, j/k) As much as I wish that girls throughout my highschool career would just like me for me... It's not gonna happen. And suprisingly, I'm ok with that. Kinda.

Sure it's disapointing to have girls make fun of you... To think of you more as one of the gals, then one of the guys. Never to know the feeling of some strange girl swooning over you, and whispering about how "cute" you are to her friend.

But isn't that all sort of cliche?

Yup. So nope. I'm going to be a new breed. The type of guy who doesn't bend to the whims and stereotypes that are sadly out of date. Maybe people will start following my lead.

Or maybe I'll just be mercilessly taunted the rest of my natural life?


But you know what? I'll enjoy every moment of it (Or at least five eighths of it) because I'll know that I'm staying true to myself.

Or maybe I'll just get deeply depressed and never be the same.

Either way, God's here for me, and God definately has blessed me with a strong network of friends to support me. He has a fishy, and I'll just put my hope in that.

Peace out.

"Fishy"- Philmore

Sometimes I wonder
If I'll ever find her
The one that God's chosen for me
And what if I find her,
But she doesn't like me,
I guess that disproves destiny
But I should know better,
The sea is much wetter
With plenty of fishes to see
(For you and me)
And I know my Father
Has scoped out the water
And picked out a fishy for me
Jesus has a girl for me
she's everything I want her to be (Yeah!)
Jesus has a girl for me
I know he does just wait and see
Jesus has a girl for me
She's everything I want her to be
Jesus has a girl for me
And I'll love her, and she'll love me
Once in a while
I'm tempted to hook up
With any old Suzy or Jane
Who cares what she is like,
As long as she's pretty,
I don't even hafta know her name
But I should know better the sea is much wetter
With plenty of fishes to see
And I know my father
Has scoped out the water
And picked out a fishy for me
Jesus has a girl for me
I know he does because he told me
In his word, the Bible
The desires of my heart he'd give me
Every good and perfect gift,
We know is from above
But there is one gift that I haven't got
And that's the gift of love,
Now I know Jesus loves me
And I am so in love with Him
But that's a different kind of love, love, love,
That I've been thinking of
I want a girl with big, brown eyes
And smile so sweet,
Where is the girl who loves Jesus as much as me?
I want a girl, I want a girl,
With big brown eyes and smile so sweet
I want a girl, I want a girl,
Who loves Jesus..... Just as much as me
I'm a kid, mr. Fuller has no friends, Mr. Johnson can be bribed with teddy grams, and Bri is so cool   
09:36pm 18/10/2003
mood: sad
yesterday was so much fun, you can't buy memories like that!!

I realized that I have the best friends in the whole wide world.

I realized how bad i feel for Bryan Beaudry, because he was forced to hang out with me.

I realized that I'm pretty immature when I want to be (Hence the sympathy for BB)

I realized that memories like that are more important than concerts.

In closing, things are going to be alright.
Sha la la la sha la la la la la la la. YOU CAN TAKE ME ANYWHERE!   
09:22pm 15/10/2003
mood: angry
I'm so distressed tonight.

As mentioned earlier, or maybe not, I had the worst of attitudes on Sunday night, for something so simple as going into a stupid "Family" meeting. "family" Bah. It was a business meeting, and they wanted it to sound less formal. I think it just sounds retarded now. But anyway. Tonight, I was called to the office to "Talk" to PC (our pastor). I thought I was just going to talk about Sunday night, and I was so prepared to apologize, because they all most deserved one.

What I recieved instead was a full blown lecture/sermon. Appearantly I'm not growing anymore folks. Yes, you heard me right. My attitude has been potraying to PC and the youth leaders (As well, so he says, Drew, Aaron and the other teens) an attitude of self centered-ness, and that I'm clearly not growin, but regressing in my faith.

As you can probably guess, this is all news to me.

This is the most hurtful blow I've received in a long while. I thought that lately I've been growing. In fact, I know so. I thought that lately I've been becoming a leader. I go up to Frank and Judi, and tell them things. I give them encouragement. I give them my ideas about growth in the youth group. I gave them imput about how things are going in SMASH, how I'm growing. I've told them everything about my life so that they could keep me better accountable. And what do they do? Nothing. And that's the problem.

If Pastor Chute is going to tell me that the leaders don't think I'm a leader anymore, and that I'm not growing (As displayed by my attitude) I need to know these pieces of information. Seriously. I don't like people talking behind my back, in a sense, about my spiritual growth. If they don't think that I'm not growing, they need to tell ME first. Not the leadership team. I'm sorry. Am I wrong in this?

And as for am I growing... I truly believe that I am. God has been working on my heart for the past few weeks in ways that I never thought he would. He's challenged me through my devos and I think that lately I've come across a multitude of area's that could use some work.

But am I being self centered? That's the farthest from what I think I've become.

You see, because I pray when I should sing, and because I don't take notes, and because I don't say "amen" when I should; I'm not getting the point of his sermons. Therefore I must be becoming self centered and selfish, thinking that everything is about me. Well that's bull, I'm sorry.

I have been growing. I have been becoming each day, more excited about the life I've chosen in Christ. And for him to say that I haven't... I'm at a loss for words. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

So maybe I haven't been displaying my attutde at church, as an outward reflection of who I am becoming in Christ. Something to work on. But see, I slip up once, and suddenly I'm cursed with the label of "Bad attitude"? No, I think because I'm not another one of the "Chute Clones" and I'm not reacting in the ways he thinks I should, that I've lost whatever respect he had for me.

And ya know what?

I don't care. because I lost my respect for that tyrant a long time ago. Behind that pulpit he may be somewhat brilliant, thinking, much like I probably would.

But behind closed doors, he's nothing. He twists words, and accuses people of things that aren't really true. He's a proverbial witch hunter, and anyone who doesn't agree with him is his witch. Ask me about Ken Marland some time. that man was a true leader. Or was he?

I'm not going to let this effect me, except perhaps to spur me on to do better. To fight harder. But the futility of my fight just made itself very clear. How can I fight something like this? I can't fight the man. He's not the problem, per se... It's the doctrine. It's the ideas. It's the attitude. Pray for me, because suddenly... I'm totally unsure as what to do.

I AM growing. I AM a leader. And I'm not going to let some Holier-than-thou, senile old tyrant change the opinion of myself. I'm not arrogant ladies and gents. Don't get me wrong. I know who I am, I know my strengths, I know my weakness', and I won't let ANYONE dictate to me, what they are. God bless. Praying for all.
     Read 1 - Post
Your hatred only fuels us on.   
08:04pm 14/10/2003
mood: cranky
In the words of a miss Alicia Diamond... I rock at life. I love it. It's great, and nobody can change my attitute. I'm sorry people, it's just not gonna happen!

Why does it seem like all the heroes have gone away? It seems like everyone I know, every person that I've ever respected has turned out to be, well turned out to be human. Look at Rush Limbaugh. I respected that man so much, and look what he turns around and does. He invalidated everything he once said. All the "Values" that he espoused, they mean nothing now. He was just another hypocrite, like the rest. It turns out there are no true heroes.

Now just what am I going to do about this? Lose trust in everyone, become so completely and utterly cynical and become a hollow empty friendless shell of a man? Well all except the last part, I'd have to say yes. I don't know where we, as man kind ever got the notion that we could trust each other. I know this sounds cynical, but it's true. All people do is let you down, it's an age old story, and i'm afriad to say that the ending is always the same. There is however someone I can trust. Someone who never lets me down, and that's my Lord and savior Jesus Crist. And becoming cynical? Well I consider myself cynical already. there's no changing that. I'm not too far off from becoming *Completely* and *Utterly* cynical, so I figure it really doesn't make much of a difference. Cynicism can be a helpful emotion, that is, if you utilize it in the correct manner. And ladies and gentlemen, not to be arrogant (Oh heck, why not...) I am the master of cynisism. I will never be friendless though, and I will never be empty. I love my friends. I will always be there for them, just as they will always be there for me. I realized just the other day how completely awesome I have it. My friends are so completely and utterly groovy that I'm at a loss for words. I love you guys! For those of you reading, Bryan, Lisa, You know that I love you guys, and I just wanted to say how much you rock my socks off!

Back to my rants now... Church has left me a... perplexed, at best, guy. Why did they all leave? Those men, those families that left the church were great, strong families. But evidently not as strong as I believed. There is so many problems within the leadership, so many problems within the body. Sin is like a virus. And we just left our doors open and welcomed it in. And what am I left with? A church that if falling down all around me (Spiritually, the building rocks) and no one there who will do anything about it. I'm here, and i've already devised a few plans of my own. Not really *open* rebellion... But well, let's just say it must have been God inspired, because there is no way that my feeble brain could have come up with something so brilliant. When I feel like sharing more details of my plan, I will, of course share all. But truthfully, I'm not even sure if my little social insurrection will do much good, other than perhaps disturb the leadership team. The best I can hope for is that perhaps it will stir others to action, at the very least make someone think

But back to my original thought... Why did they leave? All those men and women. I respected them! They were strong, and they could've done something. they could have made a difference that didn't involve stupid hidden plots, and sneaking around in the shadows. But no, they deserted me, and the rest of their "family" (Excuse me, but when did family desert each other when the going got tough?) They were ultimately weak. They broke under the pressure. And now they've left few people left who aren't strong. Who can't make a difference. We're left to fight alone. And I know that may be making it sound a little more... um grand? Than it really is, but the impression is the same. Don't tell me that they did all they could. Don't tell me they left for the "Right" reasons. they left because they didn't want to deal with the crap anymore. They didn't want to deal, so instead of getting over themselves and changing it, they left to greener pastures so they could just start over, and pray that there won't be anymore problems to sully their perfect lives. I won't give up though. I will fight. I will be strong! (Lol, for those who got that little joke) Pray for me, pray for the rest of the body. Cuz things are starting to change for me, and change... Well it's. Fun.
My distress is going, going GONE!   
04:47pm 24/09/2003
mood: pensive
*sighs* life here on earth seems like one big letdown one minute, and just one big barrel of grooviness the next. Or maybe it could just be my hormones...

Lately I've been pretty stressed, but if you look at it in a basic way, I could say that it's one of the good type of stress. The learning kind, the kind that helps me grow into a bigger person. I can't just try and avoid stress because I'm afraid of it, otherwise, how would I grow? Maybe stress is a little too vague to be of any use here. Trials. Trials do a better job of conveying what I'm going through right now. I can definitely see God changing me in the stuff that he's throwing at me. Sometimes we tend to think that the God type of trials are these huge obstacles, events that happen in our lives, that are so life shattering that there's no way we couldn't be changed by them. Not always the case. In fact, the tiniest of minute events in our lives that challenge us to live better, and grow into the person he's preparing us to be, can be a godly trial. We just have to see it that way, in order to learn from it.

The funny thing about my life, is I can be totally depressed and down about it, then turn around and laugh at my situation, because in all honesty, my life possibly is one of the most amusing scenarios I've ever experienced. If I was anyone else, I would laugh too.

take Chad for example. He's being Chad, for lack of a better term. I'm also trying to avoid talking about him behind his back, because, well, I don't really know (Maybe, even after all he's said to me, I still consider him my friend??) The whole situation is confusing, and I'm not sure how to deal. I mean, let's look at the facts.

*I hugged Kendra 'round the middle on Wen. (I can see how he was mad, and I won't do that anymore, but it was more to get back at Kendra for something earlier that day. But to tell me I can't ever touch her, even in a friendly handshake, or a "Friend hug"
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*sighs* life here on earth seems like one big letdown one minute, and just one big barrel of grooviness the next. Or maybe it could just be my hormones...

Lately I've been pretty stressed, but if you look at it in a basic way, I could say that it's one of the good type of stress. The learning kind, the kind that helps me grow into a bigger person. I can't just try and avoid stress because I'm afraid of it, otherwise, how would I grow? Maybe stress is a little too vague to be of any use here. Trials. Trials do a better job of conveying what I'm going through right now. I can definitely see God changing me in the stuff that he's throwing at me. Sometimes we tend to think that the God type of trials are these huge obstacles, events that happen in our lives, that are so life shattering that there's no way we couldn't be changed by them. Not always the case. In fact, the tiniest of minute events in our lives that challenge us to live better, and grow into the person he's preparing us to be, can be a godly trial. We just have to see it that way, in order to learn from it.

The funny thing about my life, is I can be totally depressed and down about it, then turn around and laugh at my situation, because in all honesty, my life possibly is one of the most amusing scenarios I've ever experienced. If I was anyone else, I would laugh too.

take Chad for example. He's being Chad, for lack of a better term. I'm also trying to avoid talking about him behind his back, because, well, I don't really know (Maybe, even after all he's said to me, I still consider him my friend??) The whole situation is confusing, and I'm not sure how to deal. I mean, let's look at the facts.

*I hugged Kendra 'round the middle on Wen. (I can see how he was mad, and I won't do that anymore, but it was more to get back at Kendra for something earlier that day. But to tell me I can't ever touch her, even in a friendly handshake, or a "Friend hug" <AKA, the 'I don't really want to touch you, but you just did something I think merits it' hug> I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong for thinking this is bogus.

*He claims they own each other. Interesting. And while he's entitled to his opinion on this matter, I'm entitled to tell him he's full of Bull Shizzy if he thinks that just because he's going out with a girl, they somehow own each other like pieces of property. This statement made me mad, more than why it was said.

*I tell him that I would talk to Kendra about it, and if she agrees, I shall never touch nor, look upon her again (Did I mention that he thinks I flirt with the girl too much too? *sighs*...) Apparently this isn't good enough. Am I in the wrong? I really need to know.

*He proceeds to tell me to forget what he said, and that if I touched her again, I'd "Die". Presumably by his hands. He didn't actually say this, but I think you can gather by our conversation that this is what he meant...

*I replied with a "whatever" (Mature Joel)

*This conversation starts a feud that would last nearly two weeks, today. Still unresolved, there is still a few facts that must be revealed.

*He looks glum and gloomy on wen. not really important to know, but I figured I'd throw that in for good measure.

*He tells other people things that aren't true, about our conversation and otherwise (Such as "He grabbed her butt before")

*He tells people that "we were never really friends in the First place" and that " we just kinda 'knew' each other" (This hurts)

*I have probably said, or done a few things myself, in my defense or otherwise. But I truly can't think of an instance when I have spoken ill of my friend behind his back. Lisa, can you help me out on this one? Have I? I really need to know.

*His mother (and the rest of his family for that matter) is apparently angry with me as well. I have been a snot to her son, and therefore am unworthy of her husbands assistance when it comes to TI. Hm. Interesting.

*I hear tales of people saying/claiming that while they don't want to take sides in the matter, they have observed/heard that it is mostly brought on by myself. This leads me to believe that possibly I have done something to antagonize him (So graciously said to me by my dear old Sunday school teacher) if I have, I have been blissfully unaware of it 'til now. Again, Lisa, a little help. If you can remember anything, I NEED TO KNOW. I hate claiming something isn't my fault, when it is. And If there is something I need to apologize for, I need to do it.

*I feel perturbed at school, and elsewhere by the constant thought, nagging in the back of my mind that this all may have been avoided if I wasn't so obstinate.

I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill here people, but who can know for sure (besides God). I mean, when one of my friends is mad at me, I tend to think this is a big deal. I can't just ignore it. Well, actually, I can, and will continue to do so, until a solution just magically appears in the form of divine inspiration for me. Until that impossible feat is accomplished, I will continue to live my life, as though nothing is going wrong. How well this strategy will work, I really can't be so optimistic.

As if this isn't enough, I've been feeling extremely alone lately. Not friends wise, because I know I have friends. Many of them, and I love each one of them. But I dunno, I've finally been able to talk to Alisha lately, and I miss her a lot. So much so that the lack of her presence is causing me to feel lonely, even with the abundance of fellowship with the friends who don't live three states away. There's just something about not being able to see her in person, to talk with her face to face, to maybe somehow know that she has some first hand knowledge of what I'm experiencing in my life. I'm tired of telling her everything that I'm going through (and hearing what she's going through) and not have her be here to encourage me face to face. We both talked about this the other night, and we both agreed that this bites. Marjory. But I thought about it a little while, and came to understand something. God does everything for a reason. And even though it may not feel like he "Planned" for me to live so far away from the person I care deeply for, but everything is apart of his plan. Everything. I should be happy for the contact that I do have with her, through the 'net, and on the phone (The few weekends they let me... the tyrants) and even for the week that I'm visiting in may/December (Even though I might not even see her when I go down...) I'm happy knowing that I have someone like Alisha who I feel as close to, as I do. God has a plan, and whether God wants our relationship to move past friendship sometime down the road, some way, I know it will happen. All I have to do is play my part well, and trust in him. As cliché as that may sound, things couldn't be any more true.

I see the stress relationships can have on teenagers every day. I don't need to be thinking about this 24/7, which, contrary to what SOME people think *Koff*Lisa*Koff*, I don't.

This next thought might seem a tad "pity me, Pity me"-ish. So forgive me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Lately I feel very untalented. I mean, I know I'm pretty good at a few things, but lately... I dunno. I feel like every talent I do possess is overshadowed by someone else. Maybe I feel like I'll never get noticed for it, with so many other people around to compare myself to. I just feel like I need something of my own, something sets me apart from everyone else. And there's nothing. I'm drawing a blank here people. Or maybe it could be this. Maybe, just maybe I'm looking at things wrong here. Maybe instead of focusing on impressing people, I should focus on God... Nah. Too cliché. No, just kidding. But still, I know all that already, and just because I know God notices, doesn't do much for me. I mean, I want God to use me. Or better yet, use my talents. But sometimes I feel like he can't (or won't) because I'm surrounded by people who's talents, while being the same as mine, are more... *Suitable* for service than myself. I think I may just be feeling sorry for myself, but still. I feel pathetic right now. I mean, I'm good at stuff sure, so maybe I should just stop feeling sorry for myself, and start developing my talents further so I will... um... Ok, suddenly this all doesn't seem so important anymore. Seriously. I mean, I just don't feel like finishing this thought, but nor do I feel like erasing it all. I think you get the gist of my plight, so just feel bad for me and move on... that's what I did.

That's about all I have the strength for today. Too much angst can kill a man ya know. But I leave you with this:

"Now that I know this, I can die"

Ah... Not as profound as I originally thought. Oh well, it's a funny quote, so I put it there anyhoo. Now on to the quizzes

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/T/truly-dippy/1060128109_likewinter.jpg" border="0" alt="Season = Winter"><br>You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.<br>But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and<br>Independant. You have an air of power around<br>you - and that can sometimes scare people off.<br>You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you<br>rarely let people in if you can help it. You<br>can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily<br>you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be<br>negative, and hard to relate to, but you give<br>off a relaxed image despite being insecure -<br>and secretly many people long to be like you,<br>not knowing how deep the Winter season really<br>is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of<br>seasons :)
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/truly-dippy/quizzes/%3F%3F%20Which%20Season%20Are%20You%20%3F%3F/"> <font size="-1">?? Which Season Are You ??</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>

In the words of Meaghan Hoover, "crazy madness"
     Read 1 - Post
Sorry for the delay...   
10:00pm 23/09/2003
mood: listless
*sighs* I have so much stuff in me head lately, but I can never seem to come up with enough motivation to write in this dangblasted thing. Issues with friends, harpy co-workers, church, family, school... It's all kinda just building up.

Unfourtunatly the only reason I'm writing this is because I feel guilty about not writing in it. So alas, you will only hear a small tidbit of information about the sordid affairs of my angsty teenage life. Sorry, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I promise I'll write when I can (Translation: when I FEEL LIKE IT) and vent all my frustrations about life in general. I know the whole seven people who read my journal will be dying to know about it all... *rolls eyes* Praying for rain.

"All You need is a round ball"- A seperate peace
My way sucks and so I'm, Giving it all to you...   
10:15pm 20/09/2003
mood: jubilant
And how tru it is...

It's been a while since I've written... So I'd better start in order of how things have happend... Well, after my last meloncholy, blah entry, things didn't really look as if they were going to look up. But after doing my QT that night... I dunno. God just awoke something inside of me, that said everything was going to be ok. No matter what happens, he'll always be there. No matter how crappy I feel, God will always be there to see me through. That last sentence was incredibly cliche... but the thing I've come to find about most cliche's is that they tend to be correct.

This whole week has just been up hill from there. Monday I didn't let anything get me down, and I had a great night. Even after a little... Um embarrassin moment (which happened to spawn an embarrassing, yet untrue rumor...) Lisa went with me to work, and I helped her find a few books for her Science Project. I felt bad that I kinda had to ditch her for work... but that's just how things go. We went out to forage for food after I got off, before we started to forge ahead on our homework... But appearantly nobody in downtown P-Vill is open on monday nights. We were just heading back to my work, perhaps to get some popcorn to munch on as we simaltaneously fed our minds... When we perchanced upon a small little Italian place tucked in right next to a bar (Obviously why I never noticed it before) we had a nice dinner... speaking of the events that have come and gone. and those that we hope will soon come. The diner was awesome... and we headed back to work to finish what little we could in the time left...

See You At The Pole was So very awesome and encouraging. If anyone has yet to attend one, I encourage you to heavily consider it next year. It was so amazing. We met around the pole (obviously) and we sang a few praise songs. Those alone were enough to stir a truck load of emotion in all of us there. We then proceeded to pray to God about the various needs our our nation, and the youth, and christianity in general. Many cried, many were joyful, and others I hope to God were challened. Rhoda, the girl who did the devotion was obviously a a strong believer, and I got to talk to her for a little bit. I'm actually going to one of their rallies next week, and if anyone reading this who lives in state wants to go... give a holla and i will let u know the 411.

Youth group was probably the best part of the day. Even though most of my visitors ditched on me at the last second, things were still awesome. Though, I wish my unsaved pals would've come, cuz I'm not inviting them next week (If u know my YG, You'd understand why...) Worship was just so powerful that night, I just wanted to cry out to Jesus in worship, it was that powerful. The rest of the night was just a coffee house, fun, but uneventful just the same. Me and Drew are alright again... I think he and I just needed to... um... I dunno. I can't explain it, but we're tight again, which is cool.

The rest of the week was pretty cool, but I won't go into detail yet, I'm too tired, and I really want to write about it, so I'll get back to you on that...
I'm a little better now   
09:09pm 14/09/2003
mood: confused
Now, three minutes later, I'm in a slightly better mood. I really wanna talk to her, with every fiber in my being. I just want her to be here...

<td bgcolor="#000000">Your band name is:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Silvertop Cadence</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You sound like:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Brand New</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You will be signed to:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Jade Tree Records</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your emo lyrics are:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">"I don't love you anymore, I'll wipe my tears but I don't love you anymore"</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Username:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr>
What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Created with quill18's MemeGen!


You're a PANTSER! A pantser writes without
forethought to where the plot is going--sort of
by the seat of her pants method. Youre a free
spirited, creative person. You write with
passion about what inspires you at the moment,
and you probably have a strong voice. Dont
worry about writers block--youve a different
story. Youve got more story seeds than a hive
has bees. When you write, its in disjointed
segments. You may write sequentially or in
flashes of inspiration, where you connect all
your flashes later. People might say you
ramble a bit in your work. Your revision
process might take several passes, because you
really have to whip that first draft into a
more marketable shape. Youre novels either hit
it big or miss. Theres no in between. Readers
either love you, or hate you. Learn to channel
that creative energy into a masterpiece and
well be seeing your name on the NYT Lists!

Find Your Writing Personality!!
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That's exactly how I write too...


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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Very dark. Awesome.
Go away...   
08:56pm 14/09/2003
mood: angry
I hate the world right now. I hate what it does to people. I hate what it does to me. I hate the fact that people every day go to hell, and we're all so unwilling to do anything about it. I hate the fact that people don't except God. I hate the fact that God is letting all this happen. I hate the fact that all that I just typed isn't true.

Things can get so frustrating. People think I hate them? Think they're stuck up? Well why should they care? Why should they talk about me when I'm not there. Why should people care what I think, or what I feel? How about they start focusing on themselves, and leave me to me.

I'm tired of my friends. I'm tired of their attitudes, I'm tired of being there. I'm tired of them complaining and overeacting. I'm tired of them jumping on everything I do. I'm tired of them not acting like friends. I just want them to shut up, and start being real. To start being what they aren't.

I'm tired of myself. I want me to go away. To be somebody else for just one day. For God to just let me be, and stop trying to make me into something that I know I am, but am to afraid to face. I'm tired of lying to myself. of feeling tired. Tired of being me. Tired of feeling sad all the time. Tired of people.

Just go away, and make me feel better. just go away...
The legend of the "FOA"   
08:12pm 13/09/2003
mood: nostalgic
Sometimes things can make you feel so out of place. Right now I feel like I'm in emotional limbo. I just want to feel excepted, but not at the expense of who I am...

I was remembering some things as I went through some old pictures today. They all made me half sad, half happy. remembering the last two years is something that is equally hard as it is nastalgic. I love my memories... But sometimes I would prefer to forget certain periods of my life. But if I forgot them, how would I ever learn from them?

Thinking back, I also realized how much things have changed. A year ago, the "Big four" were inseperable. Me, Chad, Aaron, Ben... We were the best of friends. Nothing could tear us apart. I remember sitting at Ben's house, watching "Extreme Days" as we discussed how when we all graduated, we'd take a road trip, and meet women. *Chuckles to himself* that was back when we were in jr. high. We had our whole lives ahead of us. We were growing up, and convinced that we would grow together.

A lot has changed since the "Extreme Days" nights. We've all grown up, and as much as we'd hate to admit it, grown apart. We're all still friends, don't get me wrong. We still talk, joke, have fun being buds... But things have changed, and nobody can argue that.

We haven't gone out as a collective group, just the four of us, acting as one, in... at least a year. It's scary to think that four people who were so close a year ago, could grow so far apart. I'm going to school now, Ben's going to JJC, Aaron's going to be graduating this year... Everything's changing, and I hate it. We're not "The big four" anymore. No longer do we share secrets that have to stay inside the walls of one of our bedrooms. No longer do we plan on seeing a weekly movie... The latest Jackie Chan flick, or the new X-men movie. We don't plan on having a group sleep over anymore... We're just four guys. Friends yes, but not a collective unit anymore.

A lot of things have changed since then. Not bad, to say the least. Two of our number have gone through a couple of relationships. two of us got jobs, one of us can drive. I think a lot of the schism had to do with me. As much as I loathe to say it, I did start growing apart from them, before we started growing apart from each other. I grew closer to different friends. I got really busy... couldn't go out with them anymore. I made time for some of my other friends, but stopped hanging out with the old ones. I forgot them in a haze of popularity.

I'd like to say I've grown up since then. It was only half a year ago... maybe a little sooner. I lot of it had to do with the summer. That wasn't that past. But I've come to a lot of realization now. We can no longer be the "FOA" as we called our little clique. We were no longer four best friends who did everything together, and told each other everything. Now we were just four guys. All whom shared a mutual respect and liking for each other. We're all still friends, don't get me wrong. We're just not the best friends we used to be. Now, the new friendships I nertured have come and gone, and the old ones I neglected can never be repaired. I feel alone.

I have many friends. I'd like to say I'm a pretty popular guy. Not that, that matters much to me, though it is nice to know. But the friendship I possessed when I was apart of the "Foofers of America" (roflol. We were in the seventh grade. cut us some slack) are long gone. And though I'm surrounded by people who are my "Best friends" There's still an emptiness inside of me every time I think of the happy days of the "FOA".

Chad, Ben, Aaron and Joel. Four peas in a pod. That's what they used to say about us. Inseperable. four best friends who would always stay that way, never changing, never growing apart. Now we are growing. Growing up, and trying as hard as we desperately can to cling to the past. Too afraid of Change to let go, but thristing for our individual futures. Things won't ever be the same between us. We won't ever be the "FOA" or the "Big four" again. But who's to say we can't be something better? Who's to say we won't grow closer as time goes on. Past Jr. High friendships, past Jr. high relationships. Past old hurts, old arguments, and old memories that are long gone. Who's to say that we won't go on that long planned road trip?
Can things get better, after being so bad?   
10:24pm 12/09/2003
mood: amused
I had an amazing conversation with Brandon last night. It helped a lot. There is a lot going on in my life now, a lot of stress that I'd like to say I can't deal with (I can) and sometimes I just feel like giving up. To stop trying to be everything I know God wants me to be. Brandon helped talk me down a bit... which is something that he and I seem to make a habit of. But hey, what are best buds for, right?

Pray for us both though. We're going through some very similar problems, that is effecting us in in a vary bad way. Both spiritually, and well... Just spiritually I guess. Just keep praying.

I've been reading in Psalms as of late. It's awesome, and very easy to get some application out of. Here's the 411 on the last week in Devotions.

*I should constantly be praising God. I don't have to be singing to do it, all it takes is a heart attitude of worship. Thank him, every second, of every day.

*It would be better for me to have nothing, but still have God (Becuase he is everything) then to have everything, and not have God.

*Now that I know this, how am I going to let it effect me? Just because I know something, doesn't mean that God is done. No, He wants us to learn from it, know it, and Hide it in are hearts so that we apply it to our lives. Start living like God is everything I need!

Keep praying that I stay faithful. At this point, I really need to stay emersed in the Word, so I won't falter.

Life is still fun, even with all the drama. I mean, It's just so awesome to be able to grow up were I am. I gotta keep rejoicing, and thanking God for it. I've got good- No, great friends, an awesome God, and talents to serve him with. What more could I want? Awesome, just awesome.

*Sighs* Chad is being Chad currently. That boy is so moody. Now he hates me, and is twisting words I say so he can justify it in his mind. He also has started lying to people. I don't wanna get into the specifics of the whole ordeal, but basically he thinks I'm hitting on his "Girl". *Rolls eyes* that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I love Kendra as my sister, but it's just gross to think of her that way.... Come on Chad, think boy, think!! He also claims to "Own" her, which I thought was odd, considering Kendra would have no one own her... But appearanly since they're "Going Out" they own each other. I tried to explain to Chad that until they were married, they didn't own anyone... But he wasn't in the listening mood, which I can relate to. I'm actually not that mad at him anymore. I let God take that... Which was pretty narly. I'm just gonna wait it out, and If he wants to stay made at me, that's his choice, not mine. It's also his problem, because I can't believe he would throw away a friendship over something so stupid. But who am I to judge, right? Focus on you Joel, not anyone else...

Well, it's time to go to bed, I'm so exhuasted after this week, so see ya...
Songs always seem better with headphones...   
08:39pm 11/09/2003
mood: stressed
It's true. I swear.

I thought it was time I updated this dang fangled thing. It has been a little while... I've just been really tired and stressed... and hungry come to think of it... But I'll make it through just fine.

*Sighs* time for some updates. Church is still going... well it's going. Let's just put it that way. Things are hard, but I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. I had a long conversation with Jenni about it, and Jenni always seems to make things better. I've been focusing so much on what's going wrong lately, I've lost focus on why I'm there. Of course, he does make it pretty easy. But that's beside the point. My spiritual growth is in my hands, and no one else's. Though, there are still problems and I can't ignore them. Jenni really inspired me to look for the answers myself. easier siad than done, considering I'm SO confused right now. But I know I'm smart, and I have God on my side... What could be better? I also have to be careful how I influence others too... That's a problem I often have is running my mouth. I have to be a leader now. And part of that responsibility is being awear of what I'm saying. Some people are more easily influenced than others. Ugh... Being a leader. I never asked for that you know...

I had a long talk with Melanie the other day. It seems we have a lot in common. Well, maybe not so much in common, but both of us have someone special living a couple of states away. And both of us ache to see them again. But what can u do? Nothing but pray. And write. Speaking of, I owe her a letter...

I have a crap load of homework to do now, so I'd better get off. Pray for me!

My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
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